The Illegitimate Love Child of Helena Bonham Carter and Patrick Swayze

Perhaps it was her Persian-cat face or maybe his dirty dancing , but somehow Patrick Swayze and Helena Bonham Carter got busy 30 years ago and begat me. Or at least that's what I can tell people thanks to myheritage.com, the new Web site that determines which celebrities, both male and female, you most resemble.

Depending on the photo submitted, one can either feel quite complimented or down right insulted. In my good photo, I had a high-percentage resemblance to some real lookers:

• 75% Patrick Swayze
• 72% Gene Kelly
• 71% Woody Harrelson
• 68% Rupert Everett
• 67% Neil Sedaka (okay, not so much a looker)
• 66% Ben Stiller
• 66% Katie Holmes (pre-pregnancy, I hope)
• 66% Helena Bonham Carter

In my bad photo (where I'm greasy like a 7-11 hot dog), I resemble:

• 71% Alain Prost (the white-trashy NASCAR racer)
• 63% Ralph Nader (enough said)
• 55% Kirk Hammett (that's right, the maybe-Asian guy from Metallica)

Talk about crushing blow to the ego - they're hard on the eyes and not even on the celebrity A list!

COLOR ME CONSPIRACY
Now, I'm usually not one to buy in to the whole government-agents-doing-sneaky-things-behind-our-backs concept. I leave that to the Tom Clancy novels. Maybe I'm a bit of an ingenue in that regard, but the conspiracy theorist in me has issued a "Jef threat level 6" for myheritage.com. It's something about the way the software can instantly zoom in on your face no matter which picture you submit. I just have this nagging feeling that somewhere in some hidden bunker my pop culture tryst is really adding my photo to some uber government I.D. list. That, or myheritage.com is busy photoshopping unwitting people's faces onto nude bodies and will soon be extorting millions of dollars from all of us happy celebrity seekers in exchange for not posting the fake porn. Either way, don't say I didn't warn you!

Love, Love

Love as ready and willing as I am to stand in for Patrick Swayze should they ever film To Wong Foo II

Love, Jef